New Musing

If it is T minus 4 weeks, and crying in the shower is getting tiresome, take a minute to read this.

Look at that image above. The door = your current relationship with your child. It opens and closes easily. It is big, lots of transparency and you know *every *single *detail about it. You and your kiddo have been using it to go in and out of each other’s life for close to if not over 18 years. There are some dents from the inevitable slams, and it definitely needs some paint, but it is what you both know, very familiar territory.

The window on the right has never been opened. To be fair, it can’t, it only serves to be a backup exit or entrance to the door if the door cannot be used. Lots of layered paint made sure it stayed sealed until it needed to be cracked open. You aren’t even sure if you and your child are going to fit through it.

If your child is between 17-20, they likely have a major life change coming up soon.

• college
• military
• leaving the house to live with friends
• a new job out of town
• leaving the country for a new adventure

Something where you won’t know anywhere close to the amount of detail about their daily life that you know now. I hate to tell you this, but that door above, it is getting closed. Boarded up, nailed shut, sealed drywall being put over it. You cannot use it to enter your child’s life, and you have seen it coming for likely a year or two now, that heavy ball of lead in your stomach and heart that means you aren’t the guiding light for your baby anymore. To be honest, you really haven’t been for a bit now, your light is still there, but they don’t need it nearly as much anymore. You have seen them less, talked with them a little less, and while you can name their besties, you aren’t 100% sure of what they do with them when they are together. All part of a healthy relationship between parent and child, after all, we aren’t raising babies anymore, they do need to become adults in this world.

But here is the big secret, something I was told by moms who had older children, and I will pass it to you = YOU GET TO OPEN THAT WINDOW

It cannot open until that door is closed. You both will take a razor blade to the layers of paint and caulk sealing it up, and force it open while the wood frame creaks a little, and take a bit of Windex to the glass. And what is inside that window? The best friendship you never saw coming-

Inside that window is where you are now both adults, both navigating life and this world with varying levels of experience, but the excitement of talking through it as more equals than an uneven power dynamic. Your relationship is not 90% parent/10% buddy, you are now 95% equals/5% parent. I cannot express to you how fun and exhilarating this is going to be for you, a world of hearing about their life in details you likely couldn’t handle when they were younger. Their new interests, their new co-workers, the price of eggs and WHY is it so cumbersome to make a DMV appointment? You will get some confessions, things you probably knew were going on, but looking back you can less panic and more laugh at their shenanigans and close calls. (They are alive, they learned from it, be happy they are sharing, and this is always easier with some McDonalds milkshakes in hand)

Opening the window to their adult life is a gift. It is the result of breaking generational traumas and the hard work you both put in for 18 years. It is the present of you apologizing when you screwed up, admitted your failings and fought hard for those lines of communication. You have made it.

And listen, that door will always be precious. You will look at where it used to be with tears in your eyes, and you would pay any amount of money for ONE MORE DAY to squish their cheeks, hold them after a boo-boo and rock them to sleep. One more day to tell them they are strong and beautiful, and the best gift you ever got was to have a front seat to their childhood. Sometimes those shower cries will be needed.

But mom (and dad), that window is life, that window is what you both have earned to share together. I am so happy for you that you finally get to open it. Transitions are hard, but I know both of you will be able to do this together.